Adultress - John 8

I had been unhappily married for many years.  My husband was cold and uninterested in me and treated me more like a servant than a wife.  I had given him three sons, had kept his house and nursed his mother when she was dying, but he barely spoke to me any more and life was lonely, dull and thankless.   Once my sons became old enough to go out into the world by themselves I felt that any purpose I had once had was gone.  True, I did have a couple of friends, women from my village who had grown up with me and married at the same time, staying local and therefore easy to keep in touch with.   But nobody really knew how miserable I was.  I kept my loneliness to myself and tried to ' play happy families' for the sake of my children's reputation and the good name of my husband.

Then, two years ago whilst I was at the market buying linen to make a new outer garment for my youngest son, I bumped into Timon.

Timon had lived two houses away from me when I was growing up as a girl.  His family and mine had been friendly and I spent many happy hours with Timon's sister Magda playing in the street or down by the river.  Timon was a couple of years older than me and I had always looked up to him.  He was athletic and strong and had a great sense of humour.  He used to make Marta and I laugh with his antics and silly voices.   He did a great impression of the local Rabbi and had everyone in fits of laughter as he would retell the sunday sermon with added embelishments and silly mistakes.   I think I was probably a little bit in love with Timon when I was a teenager. 

When I was fifteen it was time for my parents to find me a suitable prospective husband and I had hoped they might consider Timon.  He was working in his father's shoe making business and had learned his trade well.  He was a kind, honest and hard working young man and in my eyes he would have made a fine husband.   But my father had other ideas.    He wanted to marry me to someone ' better' than we were.  He had met Lucius through a friend of a friend I think and without telling me or giving me any warning whatsoever he invited Lucius to our house for dinner one day.  I was polite and waited on him.  I spoke when I was spoken to and answered all his questions.  I dont think I really understood what was going on at the time, but by the end of that one meal I had been as good as sold to Lucius.   Three weeks later we were married.

I remember leaving my house in the procession to go to my new husbands home.  We walked past Timon's house and he was standing outside watching.  I felt deeply ashamed and looked down at the ground as we passed.  I didnt want him to think that I was in any way in agreement with the union, but I was unable to communicate with him before or after the wedding so I just had to hope that my demeanour would let him know that I was going against my will.   I could not tell Timon that I would rather have been marrying him.  I had no idea what Timon felt about me, if anything.   It was too late anyway.   I would have to put him out of my mind.

I did.  I put him out of my mind for over twenty years.  Until that day in the market when I saw him again.   I recognised him instantly and my heart skipped a beat.  He looked tanned and healthy.  His hair was greying and he had a beard now.  But he was unmistakably the same Timon.  I wasnt at all sure that he would recognise me, or if he did that he would want to acknowledge that.   But before I had a chance to avert my gaze and hide behind a market stall he came bounding up to me with his hands out and said ' Elizabeth!!   How wonderful to see you after all these years!  You havent changed a bit!  How are you? '   I smiled as he took my hands and said '  Hello Timon.  It is good to see you too.  I am well thank you.  How is Magda?  And your parents?'   And thus began a conversation which lasted all afternoon.    We stood for over an hour in the market square chatting away and then Timon suggested we find somewhere to sit down, so we walked to the river and sat on the riverbank and continued to catch up on everything that had happened to both of us over the years.

Talking to Timon was easy.  It felt as though I hadnt had a proper conversation for twenty years.  He listened to me.  He laughed with me.   We remembered things from our childhoods and discovered what had happened to people we had known then.  Sadly his parents had both died.  But his sister was alive and well, living near Jericho and married with several children.   Timon himself had been married twice.  His first wife had died in childbirth when Timon was in his early twenties.  He had married again a couple of years later and he was still working as a shoe maker to support his family - he had three children too.

After hours of talking I suddenly realised that it was getting late and I would be in big trouble if the dinner was not ready when my husband got home.  I made my excuses and left.   But all the way home I was smiling.  And I realised that it had been a long long time since I had smiled.

The following week I was back at the market secretly hoping that Timon might be there again.  And he was.  We saw each other across the marketplace and he beamed a huge smile at me and I felt like a silly teenager all over again.  It was ridiculous, and I kept telling myself it was ridiculous.  But I couldnt help how I felt.    Once again we met, we talked and we laughed and spent more time than was sensible in each others company.   As we parted he took my hand and kissed it.  Like a formal farewell or something.  The sense of his lips on my skin was like a lightning bolt through my body.  I turned red.  I felt faint.  I didnt know what to do.  He winked at me and turned away.  As I watched him walk across the square I felt sick.  I knew I was falling in love.  And I knew that I couldnt fall in love.

The attention that Timon paid me, the conversations we had, the fact that he listened to me and was interested in my life, the way that he looked at me........ it was all like cold water to a parched man in the desert.  I didnt realise how hungry I was for affection and attention and interest until he started to show me what those things looked like.   After market day I would come home to a room in which a man sat at a table waiting to be fed.  He barely spoke to me, never asked me anything about my day, never expressed an interest in anything that interested me.   He complained if I forgot the smallest detail of his care but never showed me any care at all.  He was like a big black dark hole sucking the life out of me.  Timon was the sun.

Months went past and every week Timon and I would meet on market day.   He would be buying and selling leather, tools and shoes. I would be buying supplies for the week.   Once the trading was done the two of us would find a corner in which to sit and chat.  Or we would go to the river.  Week by week our connection was becoming deeper.   Week by week the voice of my conscience was screaming louder and louder that I needed to stop this.  This could only end in tears.  But it was my lifeline, my joy, the colour in my otherwise grey lifeless existence.  I couldnt stop.  I told myself we were doing nothing wrong.

Then the day came when Timon was not himself.  He looked preoccupied and told me that he couldnt stay for long.  His wife's mother had fallen gravely ill.  His wife was going to have to go and stay with her to look after her and that meant that Timon had to look after his children.  Of course his kids were younger than mine so all three were still at home.  The youngest was ten.   I told him that I understood completely and asked if there was anything I could do to help.  He looked at me for a long time and then he said, very quietly  '  You could come and visit me this evening'     I was shocked.  His wife was away and he was inviting me to go to his house.  ' Not if you dont want to'  he said ' but it would be lovely to spend some time with you alone.  You know how I feel about you.  And I know how sad you are , I could make you happy'

The temptation was so huge I could barely breathe.   Everything inside me wanted to run to him and love him and be loved by him.  Even if only for a short time whilst his wife was away.   But another voice was shouting in my head that this was wrong.  This was against the law and if we were found out the consequences would be dire.   This would be a betrayal - I didnt mind so much betraying my husband to whom I felt no loyalty whatsoever, but Timon's wife..... did she really deserve this? 
I looked at Timon and shook my head.  I told him that I was sorry but I couldnt.   He nodded.  Then he smiled and said that he knew I couldnt.  I was a good woman and that was why he loved me.

Arrrrrggh.  The L word.  That one word has more power than a Roman trebuchet.  With that word he ensnared my heart.  I turned and ran.  But all the way home I was saying to myself over and over again ' He loves me.  He loves me. He loves ME!'

That evening my husband went out.  He went out many evenings to play dice and drink at the local tavern.   Most evenings he didnt come home until very late.  Sometimes he stayed out all night.  I suspected that when he stayed out it was because he was with other women.   But that didnt bother me.  I would rather that he was out of the house than under the same roof as me.  I would rather he was in someone elses bed than mine.    As soon as he left the house I started pacing the floors.   I was talking to myself,  my good common sense arguing with my poor aching heart.  To go or not to go?   To go or not to go?   Several times I went to the door ready to run across town to the merchants quarter and throw myself into Timon's arms.  But something stopped me every time.  I decided I needed to be busy so I started to sort a load of washing and sing to myself.  It didnt really help but I thought if I could just fight the temptation a few minutes longer it might go away.

I had managed to fight it for about an hour when I heard a knock on the door.   I was surprised.  People didnt come calling at this time of night.   I called out ' Who is it?'  and the unmistakable voice replied '  It's me.  Timon.  Let me in'    I felt faint.  I quickly threw the washing in a pile in the corner, took off my apron and went to the door.    I opened it and Timon was standing there looking shy and awkward.   He looked around him to make sure nobody in the street was watching then stepped inside my house.

I didnt ask why he was there, I didnt tell him to go home.  I just melted into his strong loving arms and let him kiss me.  He kissed my neck and my face, he put his hands in my hair and I could smell his sweat as he whispered my name and told me that he loved me.   I felt a wave of warmth and love rush over me as he woke feelings that had been asleep for decades.  His hands were rough but he was so gentle as he led me over to the bed and lay me down on it.   He undressed me slowly and carefully, all the time gazing into my eyes and every now and then stopping to kiss me with a passion I have never known existed.  I was utterly helpless.   I felt a joy in my heart as I looked at him and knew that I loved him.  I wanted him with every fibre of my being.   In that moment I knew that even if I were to die because I was doing this it would be worth it.

We made love all night.  I barely gave a second thought to my husband or to the fact that he might come home.  I didnt expect him to, but at about two in the morning I whispered to Timon that he should probably go home.  He was lying with his arms around me, half sleeping and he said that he would go in a few minutes time.  He just wanted a bit more time he said.  I snuggled into him and said '  Just a few minutes'  and we both fell fast asleep.

The next thing I knew I was being hauled out of my bed and there was shouting and yelling.  Timon was on the floor stark naked and my husband was standing over me, still drunk from his night of dice playing, furious and vicious.   He grabbed my hair and dragged me across the floor, kicking me as he did so.   Timon was trying to get up and come to my aid but Lucius was a big man and I knew Timon wouldnt stand much of a chance against him , especially when he was in this mood.   I screamed at Timon to leave and said that I would be alright.    He looked so shocked and scared, but he gathered up his clothes and as Lucius lunged after him, he made his escape.   Lucius turned back to me and kicked me again.  Then he picked me up off the floor and marched me towards the door.   I was naked and I knew he was going to throw me out onto the street.   I managed to grab the bedsheet as he manhandled me out of the door.   I knew there was no point in struggling.  He was ten times stronger than I was.

To my surprise he didnt just throw me in the road and go back inside.  He kept hold of me and began to drag me down the high street and to my horror I realised he was taking me to the temple.   He meant business.   He wanted his revenge.  He was going to have me sentenced.

We arrived at the temple.  It was very early in the morning but there were people there, some were sitting listening to a young Rabbi teaching.   Lucius dragged me right into the middle of this circle of holy men and threw me on the floor in front of them.   The bedsheet barely covered my nakedness and I was mortified.   Lucius then turned to the scribes and the teachers of the law and told them that I was his wife and that he had come home to find me in bed with another man.   The teachers looked shocked and started muttering among themselves.  Then one of them stood up and said to the young Rabbi who had been teaching '  Master,  this woman has been caught in the very act of committing adultery.  The law of Moses says that she should be stoned to death.  What do you say?'

I looked up at the Rabbi, wondering just how hard line he was and knowing in my heart that there was no way I was getting out of this alive.  The law was the law and I was going to be stoned.  The Rabbi looked at me with a look that seemed to see right into my soul.  It was uncanny.   And then he looked down at the ground and started to write something in the dust on the temple floor.    I could hear the voices of the scribes and the teachers behind me talking about punishment and the law and Moses and the prophets.  Someone asked again ' Teacher, what do you think about this?  Should this woman be stoned to death as it says in the law?'   The Rabbi didnt answer for what seemed like an eternity.   Then he stood up.   He had picked up a stone from the edge of the step he had been sitting on.   He held it out in front of him and said '  I tell you what,  the person who has no sin in his own life can cast the first stone at this sinful woman'.     He stood for a minute holding out the stone to see if anyone would take it.   Nobody did.  He looked directly at Lucius, offering him the stone.   Lucius looked at the ground and shook his head.     The Rabbi sat down again and began to doodle in the dust once more.   

I didnt know what to do, where to look, what to think.   I heard the sound of footsteps and realised that people were starting to leave the temple.  I didnt dare look round.  But eventually there was silence and I braved raising my head to see who was left.   There was nobody.   They had all gone. Even my husband  Just the Rabbi and myself were sitting there.  Him on the step and me on the ground in front of him.
He stood up.   ' It would appear that there is nobody here to accuse you'  he said, smiling at me. 
' No Lord'  I said, smiling at him.
' Well you wont get a death sentence from me'  he said ' so go home.  But don't sin again'
' I won't Lord'  I replied. 
'You see, I am the light of the world'  he said, to me and to the people who were gathering for the early morning service ' If you follow me then you wont be able to walk and live and hide in the darkness because you will have my light with you and in you - and my light is life'

I didnt fully understand that.  But I did know that I had been rescued from a death sentence by this wise and kind Rabbi and that he had shown me a different kind of love from anything I had ever experienced before , even from Timon.    This was a love which showed mercy to a sinner, forgave and reprieved, and did so without a harsh word of judgement or a message of vengeance.  He spoke about light and life as though he was God himself.  But he cant be God can he?  He is just a man.

I went home, still wrapped in my bedsheet.  Lucius was not there.  I packed a few things in a bag and took some food.  Then I left.   I think I will visit my eldest son.  I will tell him what happened, and I think he will understand.  If I dont tell him what I did then I will not be able to tell him about Jesus and what he did for me that day.  And that is the most important part of the story.